The Three Weeks

The Three Weeks, called Bein haMetzarim in Hebrew ("between the straits"), run from the 17th of Tammuz to the 9th of Av. The name comes from a verse in Lamentations: "all her pursuers overtook her between the straits" (Lamentations 1:3). They are the three weeks between two fasts.

The Mishnah (Taanit 4:6) recalls that five calamities befell our ancestors on the 17th of Tammuz (including the breach of the walls of Jerusalem) and five on the 9th of Av (including the destruction of the First and Second Temples). It adds that once the month of Av begins, one reduces joy. That sentence is the root of the gradual intensification of mourning through the period.

1Three stages, from lighter to stricter

• From 17 Tammuz: the start of the Three Weeks. The Shulchan Arukh (Orach Chayim 551:4, gloss of the Rema) records the custom of not cutting hair from this date.
• From Rosh Chodesh Av: the "Nine Days." The Shulchan Arukh (551:2) reduces business dealings and joyful building, and the Rema (551:3-4) extends the custom to laundering, from Rosh Chodesh until after the fast.
• The week of 9 Av: the Shulchan Arukh (551:3, 551:6, 551:9) forbids haircuts, laundering and wearing new garments, and records the custom of abstaining from meat and wine. Some people begin that habit as early as Rosh Chodesh Av, or even 17 Tammuz (551:9).

2Weddings and engagements

The Shulchan Arukh (Orach Chayim 551:2) writes that from Rosh Chodesh Av until the fast, "we do not marry and we do not hold an engagement meal," but one may become engaged without a meal, even on 9 Av itself. The Rema's gloss notes the stricter custom of not marrying from 17 Tammuz until after 9 Av.

3How communities differ

• Families who follow the text of Rabbi Yosef Karo (often Sephardic and Mizrahi families, depending on your community's custom) hold the ban on marrying from Rosh Chodesh Av.
• Families who follow the Rema's gloss (a frequent Ashkenazi custom) do not marry from 17 Tammuz.
• For music, dancing, meat and wine, customs vary from family to family: ask your rabbi what your community follows.
• Secular Israeli families: the period is often little observed apart from the fast of 9 Av, depending on the family. Many still choose not to set a celebration in the heart of these weeks, out of consideration for observant relatives.

4What it means for an invitation

A brit milah takes place on the eighth day (Genesis 17:12), including during the Three Weeks, and the Rema (551:1) has the mohel, the sandak and the father wear Shabbat clothes for the occasion. A wedding, a bar mitzvah with a band, or a large reception, on the other hand, calls for checking the date with your rabbi as early as possible: the caterer and observant guests need time to plan.

Tov flags the Three Weeks for the host, but which custom applies (17 Tammuz, Rosh Chodesh Av, band or no band) is for your rabbi to say.